I have an issue with your children They behave like my empty coffee cup they stand up for random bird sightings I have less fun when they are around Why do your children have so much fun putting cigarettes butts in their mouths Don’t they realize I was served a bad salad last week They […]
Meet me in the basement of an abandoned office supply store that was run by a dynastic Mormon family As first dates go, there is plenty of space to move around and get to know each other We can circle the invisible tension in the carpet and make mock cat growls and scratch motions with […]
You haven’t been writing have you You haven’t been listening have you You haven’t had sex with your schizophrenic neighbor have you All great Americans have opinions about the The Burbs Has Tom Hanks entered your dreams lately or was that your fathers dreams Weren’t you born the year Splash was released Maybe your parents […]
Malt liquor is the nectar of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board the organization is real, subsidized, realized, jazzercise and only contains a realistic cross-section of American alcoholics and a few Nigerian immigrants So don’t worry this entire movement is driven by assumptions and diamonds and far less immigrants than broken 40 bottles used as weapons […]
If all the damage done to a shithead street dog is limited to a faulty big gulp grandstand then what we have is a sugary sandal tossing fiesta with two pronged plastic forks and salsa soaked paper plate flops with shit endings Prepare for the hairy end My friend Prepare for the Harry and the […]
Stop living in front of Walgreens When you’re beautiful you stay put Then you go on living with your roommate who makes a sound like an empty Pringles can with the lid off when she falls Stop opening your eyes when you’re in front of me I want you to imagine I’m someplace else The […]
The titanic was a really cool ship Even when it sank and all those people died other people who didn’t die were like “Hey the titanic is really cool” and others were like “I know right” Frank Lloyd wright has been quoted as saying “I wish I was on the titanic, what a cool ship” […]
I love your buffalo body and aggresive sexual movements that end in death I love your buffalo mommy and her stay-puft movements I love your delicious body smirk And twisting mouthy quirks I love your sly beefy stare And your mammoth frilly underwear grandma curtains I love your angry walk rampage And the snapping of […]
If I marry a girl with tattoos will I be letting my mother down or will I be letting myself down Mom doesn’t give a shit When do the pine trees of the outer wilderness care about tattoos Never, they care about nothing That is why I am lost That is why women are a […]