Get up bird why do you look so skeletal I can see your skeleton
you look grounded and that crushes my 19th century ambitions

Hi squirrel why do you look like a strawberry dessert dish with
hair in it I’ll send you back and ask for no hair please I’m

Hi giraffe why don’t you jump out of your savannah, you have
snapped legs, I hit my head on the sky too once, don’t blink at
me sadly before you disappear

Hey fish why do you look like a bellows, I can blow on a fire
too see, ouch my lips I can’t be away from my home too long

Hey human, can you be my home, will you be my friend and not
die on me


I have an issue with your children
They behave like my empty coffee cup
they stand up for random bird sightings
I have less fun when they are around
Why do your children have so much fun putting cigarettes butts in their mouths
Don’t they realize I was served a bad salad last week
They don’t understand the conundrum of multiple menu items
I was having fun and it stopped because your kids are smiling
Your kids take up too much of our time
I’m trying to tell you about a film dealing with a relationship
between an old white woman and a young black man
But your kids are more important than germany’s cultural output
I don’t understand that
I’m more important than a guinea pig diary
Why are your children so unhappy
Why are they so fussy when I have to get up everyday to fund a not so alternative lifestyle
I have an issue with your children
Why do they get to discover standardized testing for the first time
I’m filling in C already in my head
I’m walking out the door because you don’t assist me with bathing
or give me advice on budget seasoning for chicken


Meet me in the basement of an abandoned office supply store
that was run by a dynastic Mormon family
As first dates go, there is plenty of space to move around and get to know each other
We can circle the invisible tension in the carpet
and make mock cat growls and scratch motions with our hands
Like dogs, we may even bark
If it’s too obscene then we can return to our respective homes
and send to one another nude photos of our most unflattering hair
I’ll send you pictures of my back, you, close ups of your asshole
I’ll also send you pictures of my asshole
Soon after we stop talking
Until minutes later the loneliness that comes with being human becomes too much, we rematch
I send you pictures of my ex girlfriends bloody nose ring
And you send me pictures of your ex boyfriends rusty catheter
I fill your digital cup with the promise of a man
And in the alley behind an Alano club
We meet for our first date again


You haven’t been writing have you
You haven’t been listening have you
You haven’t had sex with your schizophrenic neighbor have you
All great Americans have opinions about the The Burbs

Has Tom Hanks entered your dreams lately or was that your fathers dreams
Weren’t you born the year Splash was released
Maybe your parents watched Bosom Buddies hours before you were conceived
Maybe Tom Hanks is more a part of your life then you will ever know
Maybe your next door neighbors are Tom Hanks fans
But that isn’t very special, because who isn’t a Tom Hanks fan
He’s a great guy

Stop thinking The Burbs is going on next door
and stop making jokey assumptions about mental illness
It’s not cool
You’ll never be as loved as Tom Hanks


Malt liquor is the nectar of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board
the organization is real, subsidized, realized, jazzercise
and only contains a realistic cross-section of American alcoholics
and a few Nigerian immigrants
So don’t worry this entire movement is driven by assumptions and diamonds
and far less immigrants than broken 40 bottles used as weapons

When plopping into place on a ghetto stoop with a brown bag and a facial itch
be reminded how much razors cost
feel better
The PLCB is a friend

The strange warehouse across the street employs vanishing men with
beanies and work release letters
It’s night and it’s sad inside my head
The fatcats are drinking all the malt liquor in their boardroom
while pissing freely on the flowers on the carpet


If all the damage done to a shithead street dog is limited to a faulty big gulp grandstand then what we have is a sugary sandal tossing fiesta with two pronged plastic forks and salsa soaked paper plate flops with shit endings

Prepare for the hairy end
My friend
Prepare for the Harry and the hendersandals

I like public eating events, just kidding I hate them
Eating is for private
Watching is for public

So the largest chicken barbecue in the world flew in 18 evangelical chickenheads to sprinkle holy water onto starchy viet vet baseball caps brought out to garner standard hatred and good looks
Sir your mustache makes that thigh look all the more juicy
Let me smell your grey whiskers


Stop living in front of Walgreens
When you’re beautiful you stay put
Then you go on living with your roommate
who makes a sound like an empty Pringles can with the lid off when she falls

Stop opening your eyes when you’re in front of me
I want you to imagine I’m someplace else
The old opera house in my hometown echoes with the sound of light conversation


The titanic was a really cool ship
Even when it sank and all those people died other people who didn’t die were like “Hey the titanic is really cool” and others were like “I know right”
Frank Lloyd wright has been quoted as saying “I wish I was on the titanic, what a cool ship”
Malcolm X said “I’d like to make a pilgrimage to Mecca on the titanic, but I can’t because it is at the bottom of the ocean, much like racial equality. Still, really cool ship”
Denzel Washington said “Having the opportunity to play Malcolm x in the Spike Lee joint Malcolm x (1992) reminded me of the coolness of the titanic”
Peter Pan had been overheard saying “I was on the titanic, great ship. I was a kid, then I saw all my friends die and I grew up. Very cool time in my life, very cool ship.”

…and out of the movies
…and into the water
…who remembers such coolness?

Emma Goldman once said “If I Can’t Dance on the Titanic, I Don’t Want To Be Part of Your Revolution. Luckily she’s a very cool ship, so it’s most definitely allowed.”


I love your buffalo body
and aggresive sexual movements that end in death

I love your buffalo mommy
and her stay-puft movements

I love your delicious body smirk
And twisting mouthy quirks

I love your sly beefy stare
And your mammoth frilly underwear grandma curtains

I love your angry walk rampage
And the snapping of my ribs underfoot

I love your sad tattoo face
that’s your real face with indifference on it

I love your Buffalo Wild Wings
And your sad mcjagger balcony stare

I don’t love you


If I marry a girl with tattoos will I be letting my mother down or will I be letting myself down
Mom doesn’t give a shit
When do the pine trees of the outer wilderness care about tattoos
Never, they care about nothing
That is why I am lost
That is why women are a circle
That is why that is ok

Several dark and dirty couches sit friendless on a cold Saturday night
While valentine wishes are granted by sushi caterers and hoteliers

I have a hospital gown on now and you can see my balls from the back
How did it come to this doc?
Don’t ask, mustaches are for men who are hiding something
Hospital gowns are for men who hide nothing
They are honorable

So ladies please, roll up your sleeves